


The Best Coffee In Cardiff

by PhilTrashNo164



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Also the group chat AU no one asked for, But they will get together it's cool, F/M, Jack and Ianto are TOGETHER, Just fluff and inneundo, M/M, No Angst, No Character Death, Oh nearly forgot this tag: Ianto is the only one who's worked for Torchwood, Owen and Tosh need to get their shit together, The coffee shop AU we all deserve, everyone is happy, this is probably crap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-05-24 02:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14946029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhilTrashNo164/pseuds/PhilTrashNo164
Summary: After the destruction of Torchwood One in the Battle of Canary Wharf, Ianto says “sod this”, dodges a dose of retcon, and opens a coffee shop in Cardiff with his redundancy pay. Advertising for staff results in some interesting employees - Jack Harkness’ CV is fifteen pages long, and though some of the jobs listed are surely made up, calling his references results in such bizarre conversations that Ianto decides to take him at face value; Gwen Cooper vaults over the counter fifteen minutes into her first shift to tackle to the floor a teenager who’s made the mistake of stealing a muffin; Toshiko Sato is always out back inventing new drink combinations with her mad-scientist style experiments (that often nearly burn the place down); and Owen Harper is always on hand to kindly advise customers to “not eat that croissant, love, I could tell from three streets away that you had diabetes.”In short, everything is good....That is, until Jack starts a group chat.





	1. Chapter 1

**_8 a.m, 10th October 2007_ **

 

_ Jack Harkness has added Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper, and Toshiko Sato to the group chat “21st Century Technology Sucks, But I Guess I’ll Use It”. _

 

_ Jack Harkness changed his name to “Harkness? More like Hark! That Ass!”  _

 

_ *Gwen Cooper is online* _

 

_ Gwen Cooper has left the group.  _

 

Harkness? More like Hark! That Ass!: Gwen, don’t be like that!

 

Harkness? More like Hark! That Ass!: Wow, this doesn’t roll off the tongue like I thought it would... 

 

_ Harkness? More like Hark! That Ass! changed his name to “Hark! That Ass!” _

 

_ Hark! That Ass! has added Gwen Cooper to the group. _

 

_ Hark! That Ass! changed Gwen Cooper’s name to “Super Cooper” _

 

Super Cooper: …

 

Super Cooper: I’ll stay in this chat as long as you don’t post any of those… photos… like you did on MySpace, OK Jack?

 

Hark! That Ass!: ;) 

 

_ *Ianto Jones is online* _

 

Ianto Jones: Jack, do you have to do this now? Maybe you haven’t noticed that we’ve got customers out the door?

 

_ Hark! That Ass! changed Ianto Jones’s name to “Bant-o Jones” _

 

Bant-o Jones: That’s the best you could come up with? Really? Put your phone away and go and make some coffee!

 

Hark! That Ass!: You make it best, you know that <3

 

Bant-o Jones: No excuse. 

 

_ *Bant-o Jones is offline* _

 

Hark! That Ass!: But you’re always telling me to integrate with “modern” technology (modern my ass)

 

Super Cooper: He’s gone, Jack. 

 

Hark! That Ass!: Shouldn’t you be helping out too?

 

Super Cooper: It’s my day off… 

 

Hark! That Ass! I knew that, totally knew that

 

_ *Toshiko Sato is online* _

 

Toshiko Sato: Why haven’t you added Owen?

 

_ *Bant-o Jones is online* _

 

Bant-o Jones: Just popping in to say: do we have to?

 

_ *Bant-o Jones is offline* _   
  


Hark! That Ass!: Yeah, do I have to?

 

_ Toshiko Sato has added Owen Harper to the group. _

 

_ *Owen Harper is online* _

 

Owen Harper: Can someone tell me what I’ve done in my past life to deserve to be added to this?

 

Hark! That Ass!: Where’s your sense of fun, Owen?

 

Owen Harper: What you and I call “fun” are very different things, Jack. Like shagging on the counter, for example…

 

_ *Bant-o Jones is online* _

 

Bant-o Jones: We did that ONCE 

 

Super Cooper: Jumping back online to defend your honour, ay Ianto? ;)

 

Hark! That Ass!: Are you saying you’re against doing it twice? ;) 

 

Bant-o Jones: …

 

_ *Bant-o Jones is offline* _

 

_ *Owen Harper is offline* _

 

Toshiko Sato: Ianto’s pouting now. Look what you’ve done...

 

Hark! That Ass!: I’ll make it up to him later

 

Hark! That Ass!: ;) 

 

Super Cooper: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT, OK? 

 

Hark! That Ass!: ;) ;) 

 

Hark! That Ass!: Ugh, guess I better go and do some work...

 

_ *Hark! That Ass! is offline* _

 

Toshiko Sato changed Owen Harper’s name to “HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??” 

 

Super Cooper: What’s he gone and done now? 

 

_ *HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN?? is online* _

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: All I did was ask him if he wanted a granola bar!

 

Toshiko Sato: No, you paused when he asked for some cake, looked at him in a condescending manner, and said “Our granola bars are half price for ‘special’ customers”

 

Toshiko Sato: !!!!!!

 

Toshiko Sato: How many times?? Stop being such a dick to customers!!

 

Toshiko Sato: Why did Ianto even hire you?? You hate people!!!

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: Are you done ranting yet?

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN?? changed Toshiko Sato’s name to “take a chill pill”

 

take a chill pill: …

 

_ *take a chill pill is offline* _

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: fancy a trip to the pub when my shift’s over, Gwen?

 

Super Cooper: As long as you don’t get drunk and tell me you’d have fucked me if I hadn’t been wearing a yellow dress “because it makes you look like a banana, and I don’t fuck fruit”

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: I was DRUNK, I didn’t mean it, God... 

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: I lower my standards when I’m drunk

 

Super Cooper: Thanks for letting me know that, Owen.

 

_ *Super Cooper is offline* _

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: so no pub?

 

HOW MANY TIMES, OWEN??: fine, I’ll go on my own then. I’ll have more fun without you lot anyway.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this fic is set in 2007 and yet in this chapter these guys talk about a drink created in 2018 (that’s also delicious, by the way)... yeah, sue me. I just got the idea and couldn’t pass it up
> 
> also I had this idea that like after a round of… banter or whatever they all go back to their actual names as their gc names? Maybe it’s just me making that excuse so I don’t have to keep giving backstories as to why they start each fic with new nicknames that don’t relate to the last chapter (wow I’m rambling now I’ll be quiet)

**_6 a.m, 17th October 2007_ **

 

_*Owen Harper is online*_

 

_Owen Harper changed his name to “Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover”_

 

_Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover has changed the group name to “Fuck. This.”_

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: I QUIT

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: I fucking

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: what sort of fucking world is this

 

_*Gwen Cooper is online*_

 

Gwen Cooper: good morning, Owen! isn’t it a lovely autumn day? :)

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: I have two words for you.

 

Gwen Cooper: “you’re glowing”?

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: Fuck. Off.

 

_*Ianto Jones is online*_

 

Ianto Jones: to be honest, I’m impressed you’re alive enough to quit

 

Ianto Jones: how many pints was it this time?

 

Gwen Cooper: at least seven, I’d say

 

Ianto Jones: seven pints, and I bet you still remembered you worked with me. Better try more next time, eh?

 

_Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover sent a photo to “Fuck. This.”_

 

Ianto Jones: …

 

Ianto Jones: I suppose I did encourage that

 

Gwen Cooper: bloody reception, it’s not loading. he’s giving you the “V”, isn’t he?

 

Ianto Jones: yep. it’s a beautiful sight.

 

_*Toshiko Sato is online*_

 

Toshiko Sato: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THE NEWS

 

Don't Fucking Even Look At Me, I'm Hungover: FINALLY. SOMEBODY.

 

Toshiko Sato: Owen, you have beautiful hands!

 

Gwen Cooper: that’s

 

Gwen Cooper: that’s the news?

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: oh, fuck off, Tosh

 

Toshiko Sato: of course it’s not! the news is…. *drumroll*

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: “Cheesecake FUCKING Frappuccinos”

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

 

Toshiko Sato: Owen, you spoiled the surprise!

 

Toshiko Sato: wait

 

Toshiko Sato: Oh, Owen. You can’t actually be upset over this.

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: Why. Put. Cheesecake. In. Coffee.

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: Fucking. Why.

 

Ianto Jones: it’s innovation, creation. art, really.

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: you can take your fucking cheesecake and shove it up your ass

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: keep it away from my coffee, got that?

 

Ianto Jones: remind me why I hired you again?

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: We are NEVER serving this.

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: NEVER.

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: got that?

 

Ianto Jones: I mean, we… can’t?

 

Ianto Jones: unless I want to get sued by Starbucks

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: good.

 

Toshiko Sato: I’m sure I could do maybe a lemon meringue pie version, that wouldn’t be *exactly* copying…

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: don’t you bloody dare

 

_*Jack Harkness is online*_

 

Jack Harkness: wow, those cheesecake coffee things look amazing! who wants one before the early morning rush? :)

 

Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover: THAT’S IT. I QUIT.

 

_*Don’t Fucking Even Look At Me, I’m Hungover is offline*_

 

Jack Harkness: what’s up with him?

 

Ianto Jones: ...

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for the Americans, giving the "V" = swearing the British way, with two fingers
> 
> say hi on tumblr: mysticalkoalamiracle :)


End file.
